Six Weeks On

image by Ann Halpin

In a couple of days it will be six weeks since Don passed. It feels like it's been years and only yesterday. I have had good days and really bad ones. I've been told I will continue to have good and bad days, but eventually the good ones will outnumber the bad.

I haven't been able to hear his voice in my mind.  I keep trying, but I can't hear him.  It's the thing that hurts the most.  I don't have a voicemail message from him, I don't have any videos of him talking.  I can see his face, his smile, but that's not enough for me.

Last night I scrolled through our texts and read through the everyday messages we sent each other, how our days went, frustrations, him bragging on his daughter, photos from the concerts he attended. But when I saw the last message I sent him, not knowing he was already gone, to ask him if he was okay because his voicemail was full, I broke down.

Life does go on. Don would want me to go on and be happy. He was my biggest supporter and advisor. Last week was very difficult for me and it was made even more so because I didn't have Don to talk to me and give me his objective advice. I didn't have him to laugh at me and give me a reality check. I'm grateful my sister has stepped into that role and seems to know when I need her the most.

I've always been a very independent person and have rarely felt lonely when I am by myself.  These past weeks I have felt a lonliness I have never felt before.  Don and I didn't live together and in the last six months only saw each other twice.  We had a major fight in late December and didn't even speak for a month.  During that time I didn't feel the loneliness I feel now.  I think it's because then I still knew he was there, I still knew I could talk with him if I wanted to.  I am so glad we made up and got our friendship back and were making plans for the future.

But for now, I will take it one day at a time, just like Don did with his recovery. I keep turning to this quote that a good friend shared with me that really describes Don.

“The most beautiful people I’ve known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.”

Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

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