Three Months

Life has gotten in the way of my writing this month. I had a bit of writer's block after my last post, went to Denver to celebrate my mother's birthday (more on that in my next post), and have been slammed at work. But it's time to get back to writing.

Part of my issue this month has been missing Don, thinking about him on his birthday, anticipating the start of college football season, and dreading the three month anniversary of his passing (August 29).

Two weeks ago, after I finished watching my favorite summer show, So You Think You Can Dance, I turned off the TV and thought, I can't go to bed yet because Don might call. That thought came out of the blue and hit me hard. I just sat and cried. I pulled out the University of Alabama t-shirt he had left here and put it on to feel closer to him as I cried. I haven't told anyone about this because it hurt so much.

Two nights later I was in Denver with my mom. That made me feel so much better, but after I went to bed that night, once again I was waiting for Don's call. He always watched my cats for me when I traveled and called me at night. This time my wonderful friend Patrice was watching my cats and I knew he wasn't going to call, but there I was expecting it.

I've started talking to Don as I am preparing for bed, telling him about my day and how much I miss him. I told him I'm not sure I will be able to watch his team play in the season opener, but that I would try. I'm glad I can talk to him now, even though I know he's not here.

Tonight and tomorrow I'll be thinking of Don, of the good times and bad, how how we overcame so many obstacles in our relationship. I know all of us who valued and loved Don will be thinking about him and that gives me comfort too.

I promise my next few posts will be fun and upbeat but I'm just not feeling it tonight.

Music and Birthdays

image by Ann Halpin

Tomorrow it will be 10 weeks since Don died. It also would have been his 55th birthday. As the days and weeks pass, I have been getting used to him not being here, but then something happens that puts me back to square one.

On Friday, I went a free concert with my friend Patrice, to see Funky Bonz and Santa Pachita, two really fun bands from Tuscon. The music was great, I was having a good time, and then tears started flowing as all of a sudden I thought of Don.

Don loved music. Besides college football and his beloved Crimson Tide, music was his next passion. He went to concerts whenever he could. I don't know if he would have really enjoyed these two bands, but the live music made me think of him, especially when I took a photo or video of them playing. 

Don preferred going to concerts by himself and I don't like many bands enough to be willing to pay the price of a ticket. He would get a discounted ticket through Stubhub for one person, usually in a great location. During the concert, he would text me a photo of the band from where he was sitting and sometimes even a video. Then later, when we would get together, he would play more videos he recorded so I could experience the concert as well.

Don's last concert photo text to me - March 2017

That last Saturday night when he came over, two days before he died, we talked music and the deaths of Chris Cornell and Greg Allman. It's a conversation that haunts me because he talked about other musicians that passed too soon. Just like he did. 

Tomorrow will be a hard day. But it's also a good day because it's also my sister's birthday. I am grateful to have her in my life and have such a wonderful sister and friend. 

But it will still be a hard day. I've been thinking about his mother, his daughter, his brothers and sisters, and all who loved him and how much we will be thinking of him tomorrow.

This is just one in a long list of firsts that have happened and will continue to occur without him. The Facebook reminder about his birthday, his sobriety anniversary in June, a music concert. I'm not looking forward to the first college football game of the year. I don't even know how many days until the season starts. The last time we spoke about it there was 93 days to go.

But I will be here and continue to be here to remember Don and what he loved so much. And I will cry and smile and laugh at the memories.